


I Can't Afford the Medicine That Feeds What I Need

by Jaxxxx



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: FTM, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Trans, Transgender, binding, ftm!dan, trans!dan, transgender character, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-06 14:39:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3137990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaxxxx/pseuds/Jaxxxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell never felt comfortable in his own skin. Then when he turned 13, he discovered there was a name for what he was. Transgender. He started living his life as a boy, starting testosterone at the age of 18. The same year he meets Phil Lester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Benign Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> there arent enough ftm dan fics (i have only read two) so i thought id write one? im ftm so i thought why not? like i know how it feels to not feel comfortable with what you have 'downstairs' so i thought why not write about it? i put a tw bc it could remind other trans people reading of stuff they dont like about themselves.
> 
> also title from Caraphernelia by pierce the veil
> 
> from dans pov

I'm Dan, and this is what my life is. Once a month I jab a needle into my leg, and dear god it hurts, but I'm getting used to it. In the syringe, is testosterone. Testosterone, or T, is the male hormone, females have estrogen. I have estrogen. I need testosterone.

If you don't understand yet, I'm female-to-male transgender. I was born in the body of a girl, but my mind always told me I'm a guy. When I was 12 I cut my hair really short and stopped listening to my parent's urges to get me to wear pretty dresses. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't even know there was a name for what I was until a year later, when I was 13.

But let's not get into that. I'm 18 now, and it is my fourth month on T. It's my sixth month of being with my boyfriend, Phil.

People ask, 'If you're gay, then why didn't you just stay a girl and be straight?' but to me, that's like asking a cisgender gay guy, 'wait, so, like, why aren't you just a girl, and you can be straight?' It just doesn't make sense.

Anyway, this is my story.

~

I moved into a small house in Manchester as soon as I turned 18. There was this cute guy living next door, but I was too scared to say hi. I wouldn't know what to say. What if he misgendered me? I'll just wait until he comes to say hi or something. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Two days after I started moving in, he came to say hi. I looked through the peep hole in the door and saw it was him, so I quickly fixed my hair and adjusted my binder. I opened the door.

"Hey, so, I saw you moved in, and I just wanted to say hi, I live in the blue house right there," he gestured outside, right next door, "So, um, yeah." He was blushing. Cute.

"I'm Dan," I said, wanting to know Cute Black Hair's name.

"Oh right! Sorry, I'm Phil," He smiled, and he poked his tongue out of the side of his teeth. How cute can this guy get?

"Do you wanna, like, um, come in? The only thing I really have unpacked is furniture, though." I asked, shoving my hands in my pockets. I hadn't started T yet, so my voice sounded really high, and it got higher and higher because I was nervous.

"O-Okay, if you're okay with that," He walked in and I shut the door behind him. He sat on the couch, he looked really tense and he sat completely still with his hands on his knees, his feet firmly on the ground.

"Dude, make yourself comfortable, I honestly wouldn't care if you got mud everywhere," he laughed and sat back, relaxing, "But actually don't get mud everywhere," He laughed at my terrible joke. I like this guy.

"So, where did you move here from?" He asked as I sat beside him.  
"Wokingham."  
"Woah, that's like three hours away,"  
"Yeah, but I just wanted a fresh start, y'know?"  
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I've lived here my whole life, though. My parents would be sad if I left. My brother already went to live with his girlfriend in London, so,"  
"My parents didn't really care. They're part of the reason I left. No one really liked me back there, so I thought maybe people would like me here."  
"I like you," He smiled.  
"Good, because you're stuck with me living next door." He says. "So you look kind of young, have you ever lived alone before?" He asked.  
"No. I honestly don't think I know how to cook anything besides eggs and toast. I don't know how to do anything other than procrastinate by browsing tumblr."  
"Honestly, me too."  
"I'd ask for your tumblr, but I don't want to tell you mine."  
"Okay, how about this. You follow me, and I'll try to find you."  
"Deal."

~

So I follow him. His blog is mostly cute animals, anime, and random stuff. I like and reblog a bunch of pictures, trying to give him a little hint on who I was. On my tumblr it does say I'm trans. Though, it's not in my bio, or most of my posts. But I'm not hiding anything. If someone asked, I would say yes, I am FTM transgender.  
  
I am not ashamed.  
  
~  
  
The next day, he knocks on the door.  
"Guess who found your tumblr?" He says in a sing-song tone.  
"Oh god- you didn't."  
"But I did. You spammed me, right? I only have like 100 followers so it's not that hard to spot a new one." He winks.  
I huff and sit beside him on the couch again.  
  
"But that's not the point. Can I get to know you a bit better?" He smiles, leaning into his arm, which is resting on the back of the couch.  
"What do you wanna know?" Good, stay calm. It's not like he's gonna ask about my genitalia. But I should still be careful..  
"What's your last name? Mine's Lester."  
"That is such a boring question. Howell, by the way, but ask something fun."  
"Well I saw you liked Muse.."  
  
And that was the beginning of a wonderful conversation. And that led to other conversations, which led to others, until it was eleven at night.  
  
"Holy shit- when did it get dark out?" I say looking out the window.  
Phil just laughs and shakes his head.  
"Do you want me to go home? I mean I don't want to overstay my welcome."  
"If you want to you can. But I like talking to you. You're cool," I smile.  
  
And then I snap out of it. I was too distracted to realize I had had my binder on for almost twelve hours. I could feel myself getting red with worry. You're only supposed to keep it on for eight (or less) hours a day.  
  
"Are you cold? I'm cold. I'm gonna grab a sweatshirt," Before he can respond I'm dashing up the stairs. I take off my t-shirt and my binder. I loosen my shoulders and stretch my back. 'Hurry the fuck up, Daniel. There's a cute boy downstairs.' True, brain. I throw on a sports bra that's probably two sizes two small and a baggy sweatshirt. I look at myself from the side in the mirror. I decide it looks good enough and go back downstairs.  
  
When I get there, Phil is smiling at me. He has his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs.  
"Fucking adorable" I mutter, hoping he doesn't hear me.  
And I'm guessing he doesn't, because he asks if I want to watch a movie 'or something'  
I tell him I have Scott Pilgrim, Sala Samobójców (subtitled), Back to the Future, and the first Pokemon movie.  
We agree on Scott Pilgrim, I make popcorn and hot chocolate, and we sit on the couch with blankets around each of us.  
  
I'm starting to fall asleep when I feel something touch my hand. I look down to see him laying his hand over mine, kind of like asking permission to hold it. I intertwine out fingers and smile, but I don't make eye contact. I just look back at the TV. I can feel him squeeze my hand and I blush.  
  
Throughout the movie I was moving gradually closer to him. Soon, he realized and just asked if I wanted to cuddle.  
"I- I mean- If you want to," I push my hair out of my face. He smiles and nods. I lean my head on his shoulder, he puts his arm around my waist, and for a minute, everything seemed perfect.  
  
~  
I wake up on the couch in a mess of blankets. No way in fucking hell that was a dream. If it was I will flip shit. I sit up and rub the sleep out of my eyes and see there's a note on the coffee table.  
  
"Hey! You fell asleep so I thought I'd better go home. I had fun last night, give me a call if you wanna do something again?"  
He drew a ladybug and wrote his number at the bottom. I chuckled then added it in my phone as Phil Lester. Is it too soon to call him?  
My eyes widened and I hit myself in the head.  
"Idiot!" I half-yelled. I had fallen asleep on him? What if he felt that I had boobs? Not like in a sexual way, but like, I was pressed up against him, and he might have felt it. I'm over thinking this, right? Right?  
  
~  
I wait another couple hours before I call him. He answers on the third ring.  
"Dan?" He asks.  
"Yep," I reply.  
"Oh awesome! Hey, I had a lot of fun last night,"  
"I did too," I smile widely.  
"My friends PJ and Chris are coming over tonight, I was wondering if you wanted to come? We're just gonna hang out," He seemed kind of worried of what I would say.  
"I'd like that. Are you sure they won't mind?"  
"Nah, they're surprised I have other friends," He laughs. He tells me what time to come and that I don't need to bring anything.  
  
~  
It's 7:55 and I'm putting on my binder. I figured I should put it on last minute, because I don't know how long I'll be staying. I double check that the doors are locked, then walk over. Phil opens the door with a smile and tells me to come in. I guess I'm the first one here.  
We talk for a little bit, and there's a knock at the door. Who I assume are Chris and PJ walk in. Curly hair says hi and asks if I'm Dan. I tell him yes. Phil introduces me to them, and them to me.  
  
We talk and play Mario Kart for about four hours before PJ and Chris say they should leave.  
  
I start to walk out behind them when Phil grabs my arm and tells me I can stay if I want to. I smile and nod. Chris jokingly asks Phil if he has a condom, to which Phil replies 'shut the fuck up' before hugging them and sending them on their way.  
  
"Don't listen to him. He was joking, you know that, right?" Phil asks, sitting next to me and holding my hand again. I like how this feels. He cares about me. This has never happened before. I could get used to this.  
"I know," I smile, resting my head on his shoulder.  
"I don't have sex until at least the third date," He says sarcastically. I laugh with him.  
"So this is a date then?"  
"It wasn't a very good one considering Chris and PJ were here. But yeah.. I might like you a little bit." I sit up, keeping our fingers locked.  
"You're cute when you're nervous," I tell him, "Wait, before I confirm that I'd like this to be a date- How old are you? Please don't tell me you're like 35 because this was going really well,"  
"Oh my god, do I look that old?"  
"No, just making sure."  
"I'm 22, by the way," I let out a sigh of relief.  
"Thank fucking god. Okay, I'm 18,"  
  
He smiles before putting his arms around my waist. I lean closer to him, resting my arms around his neck. We leaned in slowly before our lips touched. They moved with each other before we pulled away. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him again. Soon, his tongue was touching my bottom lip, before I opened my mouth and let him in. This isn't how I'd expected it to be. I expected making out to be really sloppy and gross, but it wasn't. It's nice, passionate, and sweet.  
  
We stay like that for a while before I pull back and smile. His lips look kind of reddish, and I wonder if mine look like that, too. And like the idiot I am, it doesn't hit me to tell him until now. I'm mentally kicking myself in the ass for this. God dammit, I just made out with this guy and he doesn't even know that I don't have.. what he wants. I guess it's now or never, though.  
  
I sit a little further away, holding his hands.  
"Phil," I say, and I must look scared because he looks worried.  
"Shit, what's wrong? I fucked up, didn't I?" He asks, pulling his hands away from mine and running one through his hair.  
"No! No, you were good. Like, a lot." I smile, taking his hands back in mine.  
He sighs before relaxing again.  
"Okay, so, um- you like me, right?"  
"Well I did just have my tongue in your mouth." He smiles.  
"Yeah, well, that's the thing. I need to tell you something before this goes any further,"  
"..Is this good or bad?" He holds my hands tighter.  
"Depends on how you take it."  
  
I'm fighting back tears. As soon as I feel one come down my cheek I pull my hands away from his and wipe my eyes with my sleeves. He realizes I'm crying and asks if it's okay if he holds me. I nod as I swing my legs over his lap. He moves closer so I can rest my head on his chest. I start crying slightly harder because his chest is so god damn flat and it's all I could ever want.  
  
"It's okay. Shhhh.. It's alright," He tells me, rubbing my back. I get myself together before sitting up a little.  
"I don't know how to explain it. Okay, basically, you like me, right? And I'm a guy, you're a guy, so you are..?"  
"Gay.." He finishes.  
"Right. So you don't like girls. At all."  
"Right," He nods, he looks confused, but interested.  
"Okay, well- um- basically, I was born a girl. I- I still don't have, um, y'know, a dick.. But I identify as a guy. Like I was born in the wrong body, if that makes sense?" I tell him, looking at my hands.  
"Okay.. I'm not sure I fully understand," He doesn't seem mad, at least.  
"Okay, um.. I'm transgender. I still have female 'parts' but I am a guy. My brain tells me I'm a guy, I feel like a guy, I'm a guy. I was just.. born wrong, I guess."  
"I think I get it. So you're a guy in every area except physically?"  
"Yeah. But I hope to start getting testosterone shots, soon."  
"Alright, hey, can you look at me?" He asks gently.  
I lift my head up to see him smiling at me.  
  
"I'm not mad. I like guys, and you're a guy. Simple." And then he kisses me, and I feel like everything is okay in the world. Pain doesn't exist.  
  
~

Sometimes I feel like I should end it all. Sometimes I feel like I should end it all. Just leave a note telling my parents to bury me in a suit with Dan on my tombstone or I'll haunt them. But it's not that easy. I don't even know where I would get rope to hang myself, nor a place to hang myself from. And that seems like the least messy way. I could just cut, and eventually bleed out, but that seems long and painful. I could jump, but that would leave many people on the ground traumatized and scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I really should just leave without a trace. But I don't know how to do anything. I don't understand how I would do it.

And today, I feel like shit. I don't know why. I mean, I have a potential boyfriend. This hasn't ever happened for real. I mean sure, I went on a couple dates with guys back before I realized I was a guy. But they were all straight and it didn't feel right.

I just feel really dysphoric today. I'm in bed, no binder, t-shirt, and boxers. I kick off my covers and look down. I feel terrible. I look at my boobs, which are at least a B-cup now. I just wish I could cut them off. I look at my hips. They're curvy, and I just wish my shoulders were broad and led down into a V-shape to my hips. But no, it had to look all feminine. I look at my crotch and their really should be a bulge showing there. I look at my thighs and there really should be blood dripping down them, out of the cuts I've made.

I guess I should get out of bed today. I grab my laptop and its charger, throw on a sports bra under my shirt, put pajama pants on, and head downstairs. I'm sitting on the couch, scrolling through #ftm on tumblr for about an hour before I hear a knock on my door. Shit. Now I realize there were tears staining my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away and open the door.

"Oh, um, hi," I say, seeing Phil standing there.  
"Hey, sorry, I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out today?" He smiles.  
"Uh, yeah- sure, do you wanna come in? Sorry, I look like shit."  
"You look cute," He says, coming in and sitting cross-legged on the couch. I feel my face heat up.  
"I totally don't. Do you want coffee or something?" I ask, walking in the kitchen.  
"No thanks," I hear him say from the other room. When I come back, he's looking at my laptop.  
"You know you're better looking than any of these guys, right?" He smirks.  
"I really don't. Don't you see? They're all passing way better than I am." I sit beside him and put my laptop on my lap.  
"Passing?" He asks. I forgot he doesn't know what half of the stuff I say means.  
"Like, passing as a guy. Looking like a guy and not being mistaken for a girl."  
"You don't look like a girl. At all."  
"Thanks. That actually means a lot." I tell him.  
"It's okay. You just really.. pass? Is that the word?"  
"You're cute when you try." I laugh, resting my head on his shoulder, cuddling into his side.  
He smiles and puts his arm around my waist.

"So, like, can you tell my more about the whole transgender thing? I read up on it a little last night and it seems interesting.. if you don't mind telling me."  
"No, I don't mind. It's sweet you looked up some stuff. Do you wanna, like, ask me questions?"  
"Sure, but um, what are your boundaries on my questions?"  
"Don't ask anything about me physically and we're good. You can ask my thoughts and mental stuff on whatever but don't talk about.. parts."  
"Noted. So you plan on taking testosterone right? How do they do that? Is it like an injection?" "Yeah. That's one way to do it." "I don't know if I'm allowed to ask this.. but do you want the surgery?" He tightens his grip on my hip in a reassuring manner. "Do I want the surgery? Fuck yeah. Can I afford the surgery? Fuck no." "I'm sorry," "No, it's fine really."

He plants a little kiss on my head. I wish I could stay like this forever.  
"People at school always thought I was just lesbian. And they were mostly fine with that. But the second I say I'm trans, it's hell." I say, looking up at him.  
"People are shit. Y'know PJ texted me and said you seemed really cool? They like you. I like you. The people back 'home' don't matter. I hope you can get to the point to calling this your home."  
"That's really sweet,"  
"I try,"

~a couple days later~

I can't believe I did that. I went from being clean 12 days to being clean for 12 seconds. It felt so god damn good. But now it feels so god damn wrong. Dysphoria is a fucking pain in the ass. It's not my fault. It's not my fault I was born in this body. I don't control it. Dammit, I need some music.  
I put in my earbuds and close my eyes.  
  
None of this is real.  
Pain doesn't exist.  
Nothing is real.  
I am okay.  
Focus on the music.  
I don't have problems.  
I'm a boy.  
No, I'm a man.  
Sing along, Dan.  
Sing.  
Along.  
You'll feel great.  
  
So I do.  
I jump on my bed, take out my earbuds and put my iPod on the deck at full volume. Sing and dance, Dan. Sing and dance.  
So I do.  
  
"The bass, the rock, the mic, the treble. I like my coffee black, just like my metal!" I scream along with Jimmy's voice blasting from my speakers.  
I keep going.  
  
"I can't wait for you,  
to knock me up,  
in a minute, minute,  
in a fucking minute.  
I can't wait for you,  
to knock me up,  
in a minute, minute,  
in a second.  
I can't wait for you,  
to shut me up,  
and make me  
hip like badass!  
I can't wait for you,  
to shut me up!  
Shut!  
It!  
Up!"  
  
And now I'm tired out from jumping around and singing. God, I need to get into shape. I'm smiling and laughing. I know I probably look so fucking stupid but I might just be going insane. If this is what's making me happy, so be it.  
  
This is real.  
I really am okay.  
~

I wake up to a text from Phil.

From Phil:  
Good morning!

I smile at the message and type,

To Phil:  
Good morning

From Phil:  
How are you feeling?

To Phil:  
Pretty good, actually.

And it's the truth for once. I feel okay.

From Phil:  
What are you doing right now?

To Phil:  
Honestly? I'm still in bed.

I glance at the clock. 11:00 am.

From Phil:  
Come over?

To Phil:  
I'm still in my pajamas and shit so how about in like an hour?

From Phil:  
Noooooo please just come over! idc what you look like. youre cuuuute.

I smile as I set my phone down on my bed before I get up to brush my teeth and hair. I throw on a t-shirt, binder, and sweats. I put my phone in my pocket and head out the door. I knock twice before he answers. He's wearing plaid pajama pants and a hoodie.

"Aw, you look cute," He says, letting me in and shutting the door behind me. I feel my cheeks get pink as I sit down, "So I looked up some more stuff.."  
"About.. being trans?" I ask, lacing our fingers together.  
"Yeah. I watched some of the guys you told me to watch. Who's the one who really likes Sherlock?"  
"Alex Bertie."  
"Yeah, him. I watched his videos."


	2. The T-word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone on the street calls Dan "The T-word." Phil comforts him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if youre offended by said t-word please skip this chapter i promise nothing big happens its just a little drabble that i thought id put in the series.  
> Still Dan's POV.

Honestly, I'm as surprised as you are. I thought I was passing well today. I was wearing a binder, a Muse tee, and skinny jeans. Sure, I didn't have a packer in, but who's looking, anyway? Was it my face? Was it my voice?

I guess I should explain.

I was at Starbucks. I just wanted two caramel macchiatos for me and Phil, when some guy who was balding, though seeming to be in his thirties, decided to walk by, push me, and mumble the dreaded t-word.

I think it's fair to say that no one likes being called that.

I don't know what it was, maybe it was my voice when I ordered. It probably sounded too high. My voice gets high when I'm nervous, and I'm always nervous.

But not with Phil. I feel safe with him. I feel like I can be myself. Like I can just say what's on my mind without worrying about getting judged.

But here I am, walking home, coffee in hand, boyfriend waiting for me, with tears streaming down my face. I try to wipe my beneath my eyes with my sleeve before opening the door, but I still have that "I've been crying" look.

When Phil opens the door, I kiss him on the cheek, set our coffees on the table, and sit down.

"Thanks for the coffee," He smiles. I just nod and hum, afraid that if I try to speak, I'll cry again.

"Are you okay? You look kinda sad," He asks, pulling me into his side.

"I'm fine," I whisper.

"Fine as in fine, or fine as in not fine?" And dammit, he knows my ways. I shrug in response.

"Hey," He lifts my chin up with his index finger, so I'm looking at him, "What's wrong, love? Are you just sad in general or did something happen?"

"Second one," I say, sitting up a bit.

"Will you tell me?" He asks, rubbing my back.

"Someone called me something.."

"What was it?"

"..Do you know what the T-word is?" I ask nervously.

"No, what is it?"

I shake my head. "Google it."

So he pulls out his phone and types "the t word".

"It says it's just a show with Laverne Cox."

I groan in frustration. "I really don't wanna say it."

"Will you write it?" He asks.

I grab the Sharpie and paper on the table and scribble out those six letters.

T.  
R.  
A.  
N.  
N.  
Y.

Tranny. And god damn, I hated that word.

I hand the paper to him. 

He hands it back to me, and says, "I think it'd make you happy if you ripped this up." I took it from him, ripping it into as many pieces as I could.

"I'm sorry this happened."

"'S not your fault."

"But I could've been there."

"Really, it's okay, Phil."

He leans down and kisses me.

"One more thing?"

"Yeah?"

"Our coffee is cold."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops sorry


	3. what, probably thousands.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan says the thing. dan gets the thing
> 
> ftm!dan

I think I love him.

I want to tell him, I really do. But what if that scares him away? I mean we've only been together for four months.

But I feel a connection. He doesn't mind that I don't have.. what I want. He cuddles me and holds me when I'm sad.

He tells me I'm perfect. And even though I don't see it, I can tell that he thinks I am.

But right now, I'm in his arms. We're cuddling in his bed, as I rarely sleep at my own house anymore. It's about one in the afternoon, we woke up a while ago but we've just been laying, watching tv. I snuggle closer to his chest. He's not wearing a shirt, but he's wearing pajama pants. I find that adorable.

I'm wearing a sweatshirt, pajama pants, and a sports bra that I refuse to take off. Phil tells me that if it gets uncomfortable he's okay with me taking it off. But he doesn't understand that I'm keeping it on for me. Not for him.

I feel his lips press to the top of my head. I smile and look up.

"Hi," I say, sitting up.  
"Good morning, sunshine,"  
"Oh please, I am not sunshine and you know it."  
"Maybe not but you're still really cute when you wake up and sunshine is a nice pet name,"

Is this a good time to say it?  
Probably not.

"I love you.." I whisper.  
His eyebrows go up, but so do the corners of his mouth.  
"I love you, too,"

We lean in to kiss. It's not like any other kiss we've had. It's like he's holding me as if I'm made of porcelain. His hand rests gently on the small of my back, the other on my cheek. It's like we're on cloud nine. Together. I want to stay here for as long as possible.

We pull away, smile, then close our eyes and lean in again. I pull away and move so I'm sitting on his lap.  
"What are you doing?" He laughs.  
"Getting comfy. Now c'mon,"  
His lips taste like cherry. Like wonderfulness all wrapped up into one thing. 

He's so beautiful he makes me wonder how I got so lucky. 

And honestly, I don't know how I did.

~Later~

Shit. Fucking Jesus, this isn't good. This shouldn't be happening at all, let alone at Phil's house.

I guess I should say what happened. To put it simply, I got my period.

I'm in his bathroom, practically crying because I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm sure he doesn't have any of.. the stuff I need right now. And I'm pretty sure I'm out at my house, too. I shove a load of toilet paper into my briefs then walk out.

"Do you think you could do me a favor?" I stand in the doorway awkwardly with my hands in my pockets.  
"Sure. You okay?" He says, standing up.  
"I'm.. fine. I need you to go to the store."  
"Do you wanna come w-"  
"No." I interrupt him.  
"Okay, um.. what do you need?"  
I walk past him to grab a piece of paper and a pen. I scribble out 'tampons pads midol.'  
I hand it to him and look at the floor.

He kisses my forehead and says, "Hey, I got it, don't worry. I'll be back in a few, okay?" He gives me a hug before leaving.  
I sit on the couch before standing up, thinking that since toilet paper isn't the best absorbent, I should probably sit on something that won't stain. Just in case.

He comes back about ten minutes later, his hands full with three grocery bags.  
"I didn't know what was good and what wasn't so I just got.. everything, really," He sets it all on the counter.  
I stand up, look through what he got, grab a package of pads and go to the bathroom.  
When I come back, he has a glass of water and two Midol pills in his hands.  
"Is this the right kind? I'm sorry if it isn't,"  
I smile, take them, drink the water, then kiss him on the cheek.  
"You're the perfect boyfriend, you know that?"  
"No, you are,"  
"Most boyfriends don't make their boyfriends go to the store to get them women's toiletries."  
"I wouldn't call them women's toiletries if, what, probably thousands, of the people who use them are men,"  
I smile and hug him tight.  
"You're so sweet,"  
He wraps his arms around me, then leans down to kiss me.

I still don't understand how I got so lucky.


	4. How does it work?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan, after a year of appointments with doctors and counselors, he gets put on testosterone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dans pov

I walk out of the doctor's with a piece of paper in my hand and a huge smile on my face.

When I get home (Or, Phil's home) I hug Phil as tightly as I can.

"Hey. Why are you so happy?" He pulls away a little bit so he can look down at me.

"What, can't I just be happy to see my boyfriend?" I smile ear to ear, pulling away holding his hands as we walk over to the couch.

"Well, I'm happy to see you, too. What do you have there?" He reaches for the paper before I pull it away.

"Secret," I laugh, running up to his- our- room. He follows me, laughing with me. I jump into bed, hiding under the covers.

"Gotcha!" He wraps his arms around me, taking the paper from my hands. We sit up, leaning against the headboard. I sit in anticipation, waiting for his reaction. I hope he's as happy as I am.

"What does this mean?" Phil smiles nearly as wide as I do.

"I'm gonna start getting shots of T, testosterone," 

I jump into his arms and finally let out my tears (of happiness, of course.) I bury my face in his shoulder as he runs his hands along my back.

"I'm so happy for you, sweetheart. When do you get your first- How does it work?"

"They're gonna inject it. And they said I can go tomorrow if I wanted to.."

"Are you going to?" He asks. I nod before telling him I want him to come with me.

~Next day~

I pull on my binder, a t-shirt, boxers, and skinny jeans, before we head out the door. In the car, I can't stop smiling. I'm singing along to the radio as loud as I can. I can't believe this is happening.

"We're here," Phil says as we pull into the parking lot of the doctor's office, "Are you excited?"

"Of course."

We walk in holding hands, to the disgust of two elderly men in the lobby. But nothing can ruin my day. We get on the floor we need, then tell the person at the counter what we're here for.

"I cannot fucking wait," I whisper, sitting beside Phil in those uncomfortable waiting room chairs.

"Do you want me to go back there with you?"

"Definitely."

Soon, the doctor calls my name. She looks really nice. We both stand up, and walk back.

"Okay, I'm Doctor Andrews and I'll be giving you your shot of testosterone," She goes on to tell us more information that I already know.

"So, which one of you is Daniel?"

"Me," I move over to the bed thing they always have, the ones covered in the paper that makes everyone uncomfortable with how noisy it is. 

"Here's the awkward part, as I'm sure you know, I need to inject it into your thigh so you'll need to pull your pants down to your knees. I urge you to keep your underwear on."

I laugh at her joke before unbuttoning by pants and pulling them down to my knees. Phil squeezes my hand.

"Do you want me to count down or do you just want me to do it?" I tell her to just do it, and she does.

It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but I still squeeze Phil's hand really right when the needle hits my skin.

"All done!" She says, pulling the needle out and putting a band aid on my leg. I pull up my pants, thank her, then run to the car with Phil.

I kiss him as hard as I can, tears running down my face.

"I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you," I repeat, hugging him.

"I love you, too. You did really well, I'm so proud of you,"

~at home~

"Phil?"

"Hm?"

"I think I should call my parents and tell them I just had my first shot,"

"Are you sure?" He runs his fingers through my hair.

"I'm sure,"

"Okay,"


	5. Telling the Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dan tells his parents he got T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I CANNOT BELIEVE I ENDED THE LAST CH. THERE IM SO EVIL. 
> 
> this chapter is finally here.

"Do you want me to leave the room?" Phil asks me.  
"Uh.. I think I could use you for moral support."  
"Okay," He says, sitting beside me on our bed as I dial my mom's cell phone number.

"Hi, mom?"  
"Hi-" And she has to say my birth name. I sigh.  
"I told you I go by Dan now." I squeeze Phil's hand.  
"Right, right, sorry 'Dan',"  
"Anyway.. I called to tell you that earlier today I got my first shot."  
"Shot for what? Is something wrong, honey?"  
"No, quite the opposite actually!" I smile, "I got my first shot of testosterone."  
"Jesus," birth name, "Do you really need that? When will you get over that? Wait 'til your father hears that his little girl is-"

I take the phone away from my ear and look at Phil.  
"It's okay," He says to me.  
"Who's there with you?" I hear my mother say.  
"My.. boyfriend." Phil smiles as I say it.  
"Ooooh! A boyfriend! Wait 'til your father hears!" I hear her yell to my dad, "Our little girl has a boyfriend!"  
"Can I speak to him?" I look at Phil worriedly. He nods.  
"Um.. sure. His name is Phil."  
I hand the phone to Phil.

"Hello?" Phil says, after putting her on speaker.  
"Oooooh he sounds manly!" I assume she means to say that to my dad, "So, you're.. Phil. You're dating our daughter, we're so happy. She never really had any boyfriends and-"  
"Actually, Mrs. Howell, I'm dating your son, Dan." He smirks at me. I smile.  
"Oh, she told you that stuff. It's really just a phase. She's a lovely girl."  
"He's lovely, yes. And from what he tells me, he's been feeling this way for years. I highly doubt it's a phase, ma'am."

He squeezes my hand as I feel tears welling up in my eyes.  
"So you think my child is your.. boyfriend?"  
"Your child IS my boyfriend."  
"We raised her to be a nice girl and-"

Phil hands me the phone.  
"I don't want to start swearing at your mom, I think you should take it."  
"Hey mom," I say into the phone.  
"Oh, so you've got your little boyfriend caught up in your confusion too?"  
"Yes, Phil knows I'm transgender and he loves me and I love him. Hope you can accept that you have a transgender gay son. Bye."  
I hang up.

"Oh my god! I cannot believe I did that!" I look at Phil with huge eyes and smile.  
"I'm so proud of you,"  
"Why? You did this. I wouldn't be doing this without you!" I tackle him so I'm on top of him. I lean down to kiss him.

"Hey," he says, "since you just told your parents about me, I think I should tell mine about you."  
"Really?" I ask, somewhat surprised.  
"Yeah. They'll love you."  
"They're.. supportive? And stuff?"  
"They're very supportive that I'm gay, yes. We don't even need to tell them you're trans yet, if you don't want to."  
"That.. sounds nice."

~

After dinner, we sit down on the couch as Phil calls his parents. He puts it on speaker. His mom picks up on the fourth ring.  
"Hi, Phil!" She says, happily.  
"Hi, Mum,"  
She tells Phil a little bit about her day and how the other people on the block are idiots, before asking why Phil had called.  
"Actually Mum, I called you to tell you something. I have a boyfriend, and his name is Dan,"  
"That's wonderful dear! Why don't you tell your father?"  
We hear a muffled 'Phil has some great news' before his dad picks up.  
"Hey, Phil! Your mum tells me you've got some great news!"

"Well, I wouldn't call it GREAT news.." I shove him, "Okay, ouch." I smile.  
"Who's there with you, Phil?"  
"That's what I was gonna tell you, I'm here with my boyfriend, Dan."  
"Well, that's great, son! You two have to come over for dinner soon!"  
"I'll be sure we do!"

They talk for a little while longer before they say their goodbyes. I think I might have fallen asleep sometime after they stopped talking about me, as narcissistic as that sounds.  
"They seem really sweet." I say as I rest my head on his shoulder.  
"They are. Did you doze off for a little bit, there?" He asks, wrapping his arm around me.  
"Maybe,"  
"Well, we're having dinner with them on Friday."  
"What? I'm not ready for that! I have nothing to wear!"  
"You can wear jeans and a t-shirt. It's gonna be great. They're gonna love you."  
"But," I look up at him, "What if I don't pass?"  
"Oh, sweetheart," He pulls me close and kisses my forehead, "You will. You always do. You are the most handsome boy I have ever met, you know that?"  
I dig my face into the crook of his neck.  
"And you know what else?"  
"What?"  
"I love you,"  
"I love you, too."

**Author's Note:**

> tysm for reading
> 
> thephanboy.tumblr.com


End file.
